The DHF
by Fluffy Granger
Summary: They're the best keeped secret in the Ministry of Magic... They protect those who need their special protection...what is this strange deprtment? The DHF. Like the Ministry's "Men In Black", but only better.


She sat on her chair, legs up on the desk, wizard hat tilted on her face. Tanya didn't want to wake her up, so she crept on the floor, holding a huge pile of papers.  
  
"Who said I was sleeping anyway?" Nunquam lifted her hat up.  
  
*Snort*  
  
"Yeah, it's not my fault!" she said angrily, brushing donut crumbs off her robes. "Just call me Nuny."  
  
Like that's better.  
  
"Like your name is better"  
  
Hey!  
  
She smiled a winning smile. "Nevermind. What's on the agenda today, Tanya?"  
  
A young witch with short blond hair who wore a tight top and a mini skirt beneath her robes lifted her head from her toenails, a bottle of violent pink nail polish in her hand. "Not much till now."  
  
Nuny straightened up in her chair. "Really?" she said, a little bit peeved. "You're not even giving me coffee, at least do some work here!"  
  
"Like what?" Tanya said, dividing her attention back to her toenails.  
  
"I don't know, like.doing the chores you have been hired for! Filing, accepting notices, organizing some stuff, giving me some frickin' coffee!"  
  
"Like, calm down," Tanya said, concentrating hard on her toes.  
  
Nuny sighed and waved her wand. Right enough, a scream was heard.  
  
"UHHH!! It's bottle green now! It, like, so not works out with my outfit!"  
  
"So get your fashionable little booty here and do some work," Nuny said with a hint of annoyance in her voice and lay back on her chair again. She had flowing chestnut hair down to her shoulders, and piercing green eyes. She had a piercing in her bellybutton, by the way, an accident from Witchstock (like Woodstock, only with stronger booze). She wore casual clothes, and long black robes.  
  
When she took on this job, there wasn't much to do. It was a couple of years ago, and she didn't do much of anything. Just things here and there, occasionally. The DHF was a boring place back there. She even had to make her own coffee. That was one of the reasons she got that job. It was perfect- a job in a prestigous place- the Ministry of Magic. She was doing next to nothing and getting a kick out of it. But about a year or two ago, there was an uproar. It came in such a surprise. No one wanted to work here, but she was a pro. Besides, she thought, any job with a secretary couldn't be that bad.  
  
But what a secretary. She always suspected Lucius Malfoy for hiring her. She saw the way he was looking at her. But Tanya was probably too blond to understand. It's not like she had anything against blond people- some of her friends even were ones, but.Tanya was living up to the stereotype. Always obsessed with her looks, chewing bubblegum, being dumb, and having all of the guys in the Ministry strutting around after her. Nuny often wondered what was she even doing here. She came to the conclusion that Tanya was probably like her- wanting to find a job where you could do nothing, and get paid for it.  
  
A bell rung. Nuny already knew the drill. "Tanya, give me the papers," she said in a business-like tone. Tanya walked up to Nuny, her heels clinking on the stone floor. She handed her a few papers that appeared out of nowhere. Actually, some guy called Harold magicked them down there. He was terrified by Nuny's job. Reading the papers was enough for him. Although sometimes, she suspected that he was actually enjoying it. Sicko.  
  
"Be back in a sec," Nuny said, and with a swish of a wand, disappeared.  
  
Tanya walked back to her desk, and opened a drawer. A Prefect badge and a large book lay quietly in there. "Gracious, what a ludicrous place of work. I shall get back to reading," Tanya whispered, and got on to reading "How to take over your boss's job and then transfer upwards."  
  
"When I'm the Minister of Magic," she said to herself, "I'll make bottle green illegal."  
  
MEANWHILE.  
  
Nuny popped in a room. A dorm room to be exact. Figures. The trick was to get there in time. Otherwise.well, let's say that then it would be more difficult. It looked so familiar- how many times has she seen it? Hundreds. It was dark (obviously) and then she heard voices and silhouettes moving in the dark.  
  
"But.why did you call me here?"  
  
"You know I said my wand needed polishing a lot of time ago."  
  
"Oh, Harry!"  
  
That was the moment. Nuny coughed loudly and flicked her wand. Suddenly, light flooded the room. She heard 3 voices gasp.  
  
There, on one of the beds lay a half-naked Harry and Ginny.  
  
Both of them blushed.  
  
Nuny didn't even flinch. She was used to it. "O.K" she said, looking at her papers "I'm Nunquam from the DHF. You two," she said to Harry and Ginny, not even blushing or mumbling, "get dressed. And you" she looked upwards, "since this is your 1st time, I'll let you off easy."  
  
"Huh?" a confused voice from above said, "what the hell is DHF"  
  
"DHF stands for the Department for Hentai Fanfiction. Since this is your first time, I'll give you only a warning, but if there'll be a next time, I won't be so nice."  
  
"Ummm.O.K." The voice, which belonged to a fanfic writer, was still confused.  
  
"You will be asked to perform these steps" Nuny continued, "1. Put some decent clothes on the characters, 2. Erase the fanfic, and 3. Never do that again."  
  
Personally, Nuny wanted to add, "Unless you want your butt kicked so hard that your mama wouldn't recognize you," but the authorities thought it was too much. Go figure. After a confused silence, some typing was heard. Suddenly, Ginny wore a long skirt with a big sweater, and Harry wore long wool pants and big T-shirt with long sleaves.  
  
"Good." Nuny said, after looking at her papers, "now proceed to step 2."  
  
She heard some unconvincing sounds of mouse clicking and typing. "Done."  
  
She rolled her eyes. Pathetic Newbies- they're the worst. She took a deep breath. "No you didn't."  
  
"Yes I did," the voice said, trying to sound truthful.  
  
"I have my own methods of checking," she said, smiling an unpleasant smile. "Do you want me to actually check? Because you know that the consequences won't be very good."  
  
"O.K, O.K," the voice said hurriedly. She heard some more mouse clicking, and the dorm disappeared. All that was left was blackness. "Thank you" she said pleasantly. "Have a good day."  
  
Suddenly a bell rang again. New papers appeared in her hands.  
  
She looked at them, sighed, and tapped herself with her wand.  
  
MEANWHILE.  
  
Tanya smiled. It was so perfect.  
  
Well, of course. Who else would have thought of it?  
  
Pity she couldn't witness it. Or could she?  
  
Hacking into Muggles' computers was like picking a perfect outfit out of Marks and Spencer's leftovers from the season sale. She had a gift for it.  
  
BACK WITH NUNY.  
  
Nuny rolled her eyes. Not that guy again.  
  
She muttered a spell and the room lit up.  
  
"Please put this on Ms.Granger" she said indifferently, magicking a robe out of thin air (actually, it was one of Lucius' best work robes that lay on his chair in these exact same minutes. She never really liked him.).  
  
She threw the robe to Hermione, who had extremely fluffed hair and a tight and revealing leather outfit.  
  
He was always one of the most serious cases.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy, please put down the whip. Mr. Weasley, you can stop dancing in your underpants now, and Mr.Snape, please go easy on your 'punishing device'." Ron, Draco and Snape stopped.  
  
Nuny looked at her papers and then up. "This is about the.1983563rd time you've passed the law. I suggest, for your own safety and sanity, that you will stop. Your fine will be."  
  
"Hey!" Hermione suddenly said. "You have your bellybutton pierced! Did that hurt?"  
  
"Well actually I was too drunk to remember, and anyway.hey!" Nuny remembered. She was wearing a robe and a plain T-shirt underneath. How could they see her bellybutton? She looked down. "EEK!" she screamed. She was wearing hot leather pants and a tiny little bra.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" she yelled, looking up while yanking the robe from Hermione and covering her body with it. "I will report this to the authorities!" she said, enraged. "You know, we have far more severe punishments from Azkaban to sickos like you! Ever seen 'Crossroads'?!"  
  
"You can't do anything. Someone closed your port," the writer's voice said. She could just feel him smiling. Bastard.  
  
"Yeah, like who?"  
  
"Me."  
  
"Tanya?! What are you doing here? Get out of this place?"  
  
"Sorry Nuny. We'll have to trade. Give me your job, or prepare to be 'punished' by Snape."  
  
"Well," Nuny smiled, "I've always thought that he was kind of cute."  
  
"Just give me your job or very bad things will happen to you!"  
  
"Make me."  
  
"Alright" there was silence, interrupted only by the sounds of typing.  
  
Next, someone appeared.  
  
"Hello there, Nuny" I drawling voice came out of the shadows, followed by the man himself. Nuny's mouth opened in horror.  
  
She waved a threatening finger to up above. "You.you.you little."  
  
"What's wrong, my little muffin?" the man asked, smiling and coming closer. "You know I can make it all go away."  
  
Nuny pulled a face. "Alright" she said hurriedly and angrily, while the man was coming closer. "Alright. You can have my stupid job, just get Lucius away from me!"  
  
AFTER A MONTH OR SO.  
  
"Nuny, where's my coffee?" Tanya smiled in pleasure. This was the life.  
  
"Here" Nuny mumbled and made the cup fly to Tanya's table.  
  
"A bottle-green cup? What were you thinking? I ain't touching this!" Tanya said indignantly.  
  
"Suit yourself."  
  
A bell rung.  
  
"Nuny." Tanya started.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Nuny walked miserably to Tanya and handed her some papers.  
  
"Be back in a sec," Tanya said and disappeared.  
  
"Hey!" Nuny yelled after her, "That's my line!"  
  
She went back to her desk, previously Tanya's. She was mastering the arts of the computer. In a little while.Tanya will be the new porn star.  
  
Nuny smiled to herself. She was in the process of switching to the Department of Magical Games and Sports. That Ludo was cute. Her smile widened unpleasantly.  
  
The best part was that sick Harold was about to take Nuny's job.  
  
What Tanya didn't know is that Harold had a huge crush on her.  
  
With that happy thought Tanya put her legs on the table, tilted her hat on her face and did what she did best- doing next to nothing.  
  
THE END 


End file.
